Confession Time

Well this is very difficult to write here, but I said I would be totally honest in my postings, so here goes. I was absolutely horrible last night. I didn't just cheat, I gorged, and I'm very disappointed in myself. Yes, I've been a little bad here and there, but I still had some control over myself, but last night I just lost it. I had a goal for next week, to be able to report a 40 lb loss in 10 weeks, and I was on track for that. I don't report mid-week totals or anything because my weight can fluctuate, but I was down to 224.5 ... this morning I was back up to 226. How could I let myself do that? It's like for brief moment ... I just didn't care. I try to stay positive, but I have been under a lot of stress lately on top of PMS (which I get really bad), and I haven't been getting much sleep the past couple weeks either. As I've posted about before, I'm and emotional eater, but I've been doing a lot better with it, until recently. It's almost like I blanked out and went on auto-eat. I feel like crap this morning too. I haven't eaten like that in a long time, and I feel disgusting right now. Anyway, various things are just going on right now ... don't really want to get into details on that, but I'm trying to get everything under control. I really didn't need my little "episode" on top of all of that because it certainly didn't make my stress level go down - it just added to it.

My body certainly noticed what happened, and it doesn't like it at all because I really do feel gross this morning due to all the horrible things I ate ... the peanut butter wasn't that bad ... sometimes I crave that for some odd reason, and I had calories to spare for that last night before everything else, but then I had to move on to some of the grits my husband made with lots of butter (Smart Balance Light, so it wasn't the worst thing in the world there) ... then onto leftover chinese food (egg roll and chicken pancit which was my husband's food from the night before). Anyway, I was stuffed with all that nastiness. Then I went to bed shortly after. Late night gorging is never a good thing. I think I had something around the vicinity of 3600 calories for the day yesterday ... egads!

Last night is done and over, and altho I've gotten a lot better about getting over it and moving on when I have gone off track, but this time it's harder to shake that awful feeling of failure. I know I've been doing very well so far, but I thought I had better control than that, and for me to have just lost it like that ... *sigh*.

Ok, I have 3 days left in the week before I weigh-in on Weds, I can turn this around. I may or may not be able to report that I've lost 40 lbs in 10 weeks, but even if I lost just a lb, which at 226, I'm still showing a an overall loss for the week so far, I've succeeded even just a little given the circumstances. 3 lbs in 3 days ... can I do it? I guess we'll see. If not ... that's ok too. But I've got to get over this negativity. I've come too far to let something like this keep me down, and I'm not going to allow this temporary setback keep me from reaching my goals because I will make it. I haven't failed until I actually quit, and quitting is not an option. I CAN and WILL do this! I'm NOT an awful person for what I did last night. I had a moment of weakness and caved, but that's DONE and OVER now. Time to move on, and get back on track because there's nothing I can do to change what happened last night. I can only do something about what I do today, and today I'm back on track, and my journey continues.